The conversation at lunch began with polar bears and morphed into a discussion on the nature of gossip. Someone had read that a polar bear had successfully mated with a brown bear in the wild and this was a hopeful sign as the brown bear may be more adaptable to climate change than the polar bear.
How we got from bears to gossip is a bit complicated but had something to do with the need for humans to secure their own survival. We were all in agreement that humanity is at some risk given its slowness in responding to current environmental warnings. Then I brought up Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements, as a way of transforming us in positive ways that might be beneficial to our survival. The four agreements are: 1) be impeccable with your word; 2) don’t take things personally; 3) don’t make assumptions and 4) do your best. You may ponder for a moment how sticking to these agreements on a world-wide basis might play out.
Our discussion never got past the first agreement: be impeccable with your word. Words are powerful, according to Don Miguel. So watch what you say. Need I convince you about the power of words? You see it readily in advertising, politics, and the current media war over the Obama’s healthcare initiative. Government control vs. insurance company predation. We use words to define our reality.
The power of words also operates on the personal level as we define and judge ourselves and our friends in daily interactions. I casually say I’m no good at sales marketing and BOOM, it is so. A companion complains about the movie we are watching and KAZAM, I no longer enjoy it. Does it work when we say positive things too? That's what the power of positive thinking is all about. Sociologist Alfred Schutz, called this phenomenon the social construction of reality. We are continuously creating meaning and sustaining our social reality through conversation and on-going social interactions.
Gossip is one of the ways we use words in our social interactions that Don Miguel warns against. Simply put, we should not gossip about ourselves or anyone else. Oookay. But wait, what, exactly, is gossip? Is it only when we say something negative or judgmental, like “She’s so prickly, you can hardly say anything without her taking offense.” Our lunch group all agreed that this is clearly gossip. But what about positive comments and stories about someone? Is this gossip too? Don Miguel tells us yes, this too is gossip. Don’t do it!
Gossip, even when it is intended to be positive, might be misinterpreted or misconstrued in a negative way. A member of our lunch group gave an example. When she was a child her mother would say to others (about her), “Oh, she’s so creative.” At first blush, this statement would seem pretty positive. But the woman always wondered if it was not a cover-up for some awful inadequacy. Perhaps she was not very bright and being “creative” was her compensation. Oooh, we all nodded our heads, getting the idea. We could inadvertently hurt someone by talking about them even when we think we’re being positive. And certainly in the case of positively gossiping about yourself, you might be perceived as bragging or full of ego, not the intended consequences at all. Ok. OUT WITH ALL GOSSIP!
Uh, have you ever tried to give up gossip? Dang, it’s hard enough to give up even the negative gossiping. Are we really being asked to refrain from all storytelling? What will we talk about? How will we keep up-to-date on all our friends? Ok, we could check out their facebook and twitter entries. But come on, it’s not the same is it? Besides, I like the stories we share about what is going on in each other’s lives. Could there be a gender bias here? I’ve noticed that my husband is not much of a gossiper. He’ll talk on the phone for an hour with a mutual friend and then I get two sentences out of him about what’s up. Don Miguel, give us gals some slack here. What if we purge our stories of all judgment or opinion. “Nothing but the facts, mam.” Like ah, like a NEWS REPORT! Ahhh, yesss. One can certainly see the potential for self-delusion as we slide down that slippery slope.
Last defense! Story telling is a great way of conveying important lessons, insight and discoveries. Like the example I gave above of my lunch group friend -- much more effective than explaining things theoretically. But wait, you don’t know who she is, so maybe that’s not gossiping.
I’ve been struggling with this for several months (hence the lag in my blog entries). What do you think? Try not gossiping for a day and report back. But remember not to gossip when you do.
And what does all this have to do with death? Can we gossip about the dead?
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