Returning of the Light

Christmas, the winter holiday I've celebrated all my life, conjures up rich memories -- the swirl of snow flakes in a Christmas tree lot; cold toes, flush faces and the mist of warm breathe; unpacking hand-made tree ornaments and disentangling knotted lights; the tantalizing aroma of baking turkey and pumpkin pie; colored lights dancing off silver ice cycles and the tingling anticipation of unexpected gifts. As I have grown older, moved away from family and shifted my spiritual beliefs, I have, at times, found it difficult to live up to the Christmas of my youth. Unable to recreate all its elements, I have inevitably fallen short in recapturing its childhood wonderment and joy.

I remember the first Christmas I spent with my in-laws. As my own parents had recently died, I decided not to make the trip across the country to join my orphan siblings in what I assumed would be a diminished affair. And some of us were still reeling from the quarrels that come with significant loss. This new, ready-made family gathering was anticipated with pleasure and relief.

Alas, nothing seemed quite right. There was no Christmas caroling around my sister's piano on Christmas eve; no ritual opening and careful placing of family heirlooms on the holiday tree. Presents were handed out almost all at once, rather than in that time-stretching rhythm of one-at-a-time. I felt home-sick, confused and sad. This was not MY Christmas and my parents were dead. I called my sister later that day trying to extract long-distance the Christmas in my mind, but it was not to be found.

This experience taught me that rather than try to reproduce the elements of Christmas past, i.e. fixate on its outer form, I do better to focus on the meaning within -- the returning of the light, of grace, of hope, and new possibilities. Mindful of this more spiritual approach, I offer four holiday wishes: celebrate, rest, reflect and give. It is my guide for a gracious season.

Celebrate: Latin, celebratus -- to observe with respect, festivity or rejoicing. My new attitude toward Christmas has greatly freed me up regarding celebration. It's ok to try new things because that is part of the message. I like to get together with friends and create new rituals based on the old, full of life and wonder --- like seeing the Christmas light display in Alameda or decorating the ficus. My creativity and inventiveness are inspired.

One year, a friend came over with those old fashion Christmas cookie forms. We spent all day artfully decorating our white sugar goodies with colored frosting. Birds, santas, reindeer, suns and moon. They were so enchanting they were difficult to eat, but gradually they disappeared, one slightly less beautiful cookie at a time.

Making and sending Christmas cards is an old family tradition, although it morphed over time into the Christmas letter. It was a chatty affair full of family achievement. I still have most of them -- a record of my family's life. With the ascendance of the computer, I receive fewer and fewer holiday cards. Everything is digital. So now the old becomes novel. Truth be told, I like making Christmas cards. It gives me pleasure. And that is another important element of celebration -- doing what you enjoy, what makes you happy.

The envelopes for my cards are too small for my printer, so they must be hand-addressed. It's time consuming, but I don't really mind. Celebration is not about efficiency and speed. It's about immersion. When I stay present and don't rush, I can momentarily enjoy the relationship recalled by every names. Can they feel my thoughts from afar? I imagine what delight they have when they receive a real card with a personal message amid the postal junk. How old fashion! How quaint! How utterly refreshing!

I miss the caroling. The YouTube video of people breaking out in Christmas songs at a shopping mall made me cry. I don't sing enough. Singing is good for the heart and soul. Just watch the birds. My mother loved to sing and Christmas gave her free license. Racing down Route 1 on last minute holiday errands, she'd suddenly break out in song, just like on the video. "Oh Come All Ye Faithful . . ." We of course joined in, fillings our lungs with air and are hearts with Christmas spirit. On Christmas eve, we gathered together, my oldest sister Kip playing the piano, my father on guitar and sang our favorites carols. None of us were all that good. We seemed to be competing for who could sing the loudest. Then magically we would blend together in unexpected harmony.

Relax: French, relaxare -- to loosen, open. What a good idea for the returning of the light -- to be open and receptive, to embrace the new. My all time favorite relaxation is a hot tub and a good novel. Simultaneous entertainment and sensual pleasure. Unfortunately our new house has only a shower, so I have had to find other ways to relax -- like taking turns reading the Arabian Nights aloud with my husband at bedtime or taking an evening walk.

Relaxing, I have learned, can really be practiced all the time. But it does take practice. In heavy traffic on the highway, or waiting in a long line, or when you discover your plane has been cancelled and the next available flight is 6 hours away -- perfect opportunities to slow down and notice the world. Surrender to the moment. Ahhhhh --- like magic, time expands.  I meet new people, enjoy the moment and become cognizant of the surprises of life.

Reflect: Latin, reflexionem -- to bend back. With the coming of the light, not to mention the 26,000 year Maya Calendar world shift, now is a good time to bend our minds back to see from where we've come and to make plan for what comes next. I've taken on a lot of new things this year -- a new business as a grief coach, a monthly teleconference series, a new website to be launched any day, an awesome training program, and many new and wonderful friends. These accomplishments fill me with joy and gratitude. It is not so much WHAT I've done that's great, but HOW I see it. For some strange reason, I feel extremely hopeful and positive. Possibly its the effect of this millennial world shift or the influence of my new friends. I truly believe that everything will work out in the end, and as the Indian guy said in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: "if it's not working out yet, it's not the end."

Give: Old English, giefan -- bestow, allot, grant, devote. Neuropsychologist, Rick Hanson, tells us that we are wired to give. The primate part of our brain, the cortex, focuses on creating attachments.  Possibly this has something to do with the length of time it takes for a primate baby to become self supporting. Primates not wired for years of selfless baby care quickly die out. A study at the University of British Columbia confirms that giving to others makes us happy --- actually more happy than giving to ourselves.

Giving creates relationship. It binds us together. When we are bonded with others we live longer and stay more healthy. Ten years ago, I invited my dance group buddies to my wedding. They bought the carrot wedding cake, a delicious confection, and shared my celebration. This transformed the quality of our connection. We became closer. They were no longer associates, we were friends. I am noticing the same kind of things happening with the two new friends we discovered this year. We have progressed from restaurant dates and movies to trading dinner invitations -- the giving of personally made food. Our attachment is growing like a small vine, like a love affair. And love is the essence of light.

Giving to charities and spiritual groups has a different quality, an energetic binding to an idea or vision. We are not friends, yet we are still connected. We direct our energy together and in so doing create a more powerful force that can transform the world. I think of this every time I send a check or sign an on-line petition.

Writing this blog is another form of giving. I am hoping I give something of value -- a unique way of looking at things and a bit of myself. When you respond, send me an email or post a comment, you give back to me. You fill me with a joy I can't describe. I feel connected.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Rejoice. The light is here!